Let me be upfront: I have not beaten this game yet. It was much, MUCH longer than I had anticipated. I was expecting a nice afternoon of Kirby until I figured out the predicted length of Kirby Mass Attack. On the handy-dandy website howlongtobeat.com, I discovered that the average time needed to beat Mass Attack is 23 hours. 23 HOURS. Are you insane? For a Kirby game?
I thought that this was going to be a five-hour long game to wind down after the trainwreck that was Metroid: Other M. But no. Mass Attack is somehow proving to be worse than that. Somehow.
My biggest gripe, besides the playtime, is that it’s not a Kirby game. I don’t control my cute pink blob with ease. I can’t obtain abilities from enemies. I can’t even fly around with cheeks full of air. I am forced to control a horde of Kirbys with my stylus – and they beat enemies up. I can’t inhale enemies. I sic my Kirby team onto foes to pummel them.
What? This isn’t a Kirby game at all. This is some other game that has a coat of Nintendo paint on it, and I can tell. It makes me sad.
This is needlessly lengthy and confusing game. The level selection map is like hieroglyphics. There are no checkpoints on your first run-through.
And the controls. OH, the controls.
Rather than controlling one Kirby with the joystick, you have to point and click to send orders to your Kirbys, and most of the time, they won’t understand. One of the Kirbys will go to the intended destination, but the other ones will watch as their impending doom squashes them. I’m serious. Even the basic movement controls are wonky. Trying to move across the screen often results in forgotten Kirbys or even dead Kirbys.
Some of the collectibles are impossible to miss. Others are impossible to find. Kirby Mass Attack takes the bad parts of Pikmin and mixes them with bad parts of Yoshi Story. I dread turning this game on. The best part of this game is the music, and that’s because most of the tracks are stolen from previous Kirby games that I actually like.
Once I beat Mass Attack (which will hopefully be soon), I’ll check back in. Maybe this game will clean itself up in the latter portions, but I really, REALLY don’t think that will happen.
You can find Andy on Twitter at @vElectricv.